To My Daughter Before Her Birth

Dear BB,
(Your grandparents are the only ones who know your name, and that’s because your father gets so much joy from telling people our secrets… but I’ll keep you BB for now.)

For so many years, I wouldn’t let myself imagine you. I focused on getting pregnant, and letting the rest fall where it may. Even after that positive pregnancy test, I still held my breath. I held my breath with every appointment, I poked my stomach when you got too calm, I tamped down my nerves every time we got an ultrasound. Even as my belly grew (slowly… too slowly for your father’s taste anyway, he kept fussing at me to eat), even as I felt you moving and flipping all summer and into the fall, I held my breath.

It wasn’t until my 32 week appointment, when they measured your growth and showed us your button nose and head full of hair that I felt relief. Relief that you were here, you were real, and you would be ok.

And now here we are, just two days before your due date, though if you’re stubborn like your father, you’re going to make me sweat it out a bit longer.

We put together your nursery today. I know, I waited too long. But I’m finally off of work and able to focus on getting this home ready for you. Arthur is confused, and a bit less than thrilled (he doesn’t like change), but he’s also been resting his head on my belly, so I know he’s excited for you to get here. We’ve finally packed the hospital bags too… it’s feeling very real.

I feel a bit lost in that in-between space, where I can’t wait for you to get here, but I have no idea what my life will look like when you do. I’m so ready to not be pregnant anymore (grateful for your hair, not grateful for the heartburn), but I know that our lives will be flipped upside down when you do make your way home to us.

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So here’s a few things I’d love for you to know before you arrive:

Your mom and dad love each other so much. We care so much about each other and showing you what a good, healthy, loving partnership can look like. For so many years, it was just the two of us, and I hope we are forever embarrassing you with our kissing in public. And we both love you. I feel like I hit the jackpot on this one, and I know you are the luckiest little girl to have such a loving, loyal, funny, focused dad who is determined to be the best father he can be. He’s read the books, he’s listened to the podcasts, he’s conducted the research (just check his text messages), and he’s ready for you. He keeps reminding me that we could be raising the next president. I keep reminding him that you can be whatever you want to be. I hope that we balance each other out on this.

You have a community already. Your father and I have built up a group of family and surrogate family who already love you so much. Gigi and Grumps can’t wait to meet you, but you have so many “aunts” and “uncles” who are ready to see your face and squeeze your cheeks and remind you of all the power you hold in this world. I can’t wait to watch you grow up in this village.

Get ready for dance parties. And cookie baking. And running through the park. And reading the best stories from Hogwarts. And eating all the sweets from Aunt Heather. This life is full of magic, and I’m determined to make sure you see that every single day. It’s not easy being a girl in this world, but there’s a magic to it too. And one day, I might even let you come to book club.

I can’t promise I’ll be the perfect mom. I’ll probably lose my patience. I’ll definitely be grouchy when I’m sleep deprived and/or hungry. I may let things go when I should have stood and fought, and I’ll probably overreact when I shouldn’t. But I want you to know that this family is my priority, and every decision I make will be for you and for us. And if there’s ever a time where I don’t have the answers or I can’t figure out the right thing to say, just know that my love for you is unchanging, forever, no matter what.

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So BB, whenever you decide to come, I’m here waiting for you with open arms and a healthy dose of fear and excitement. While I’m convinced you will be the smallest, squishiest baby girl, I can’t wait to see who you will become.