“I wish for my child, for all our children, a world where they can be who they are and become their most loved, blessed, appreciated selves.”
― Laurie Frankel, This is How It Always Is
Book Title: This Is How It Always Is
Author: Laurie Frankel
Publication Date: 2017
Genres: Adult Fiction, LGBT+
Goodreads Rating: 4.26 Stars
My Rating: 4.5 Stars
Rosie and Penn always wanted a daughter. Four sons later, they decide to try one last time – and their beautiful little boy Claude is born. Life continues happily for this big, loving family until the day when Claude says that, when he grows up, he wants to be a girl.
As far as Rosie and Penn are concerned, bright, funny and wonderful Claude can be whoever he or she wants. But as problems begin at school and in the community, the family faces a seemingly impossible dilemma: should Claude change, or should they and Claude try to change the world?
1. This is an LGBT+ book. In an effort to read more diversely, I plan on reading one LGBT+ book each month this year. Last year, I ended up reading 14 books that fit this category, and I loved (most of) them. This was my first pick of the year, and it presented the unique point of view of parents of a transgender child.
2. But this book is not really controversial. I mean, aside from the 5 year old who loves to wear dresses, this book is not truly about transgender children. Because the narrative is from the point of view of the parents, this is a book about loving your child(ren) and figuring out how to give them the best life they can live. Over and over again, we are confronted with Rosie and Penn’s choices and watching them contend with the consequences of those choices. Being a parent is hard, y’all (I imagine, anyway), and making choices is not always clear cut and straightforward. This book is, first and foremost, about loving your children and trying to do the best for them.
3. The characters in this novel are dynamic. There is constant growth and change in this novel, which I think is a large part of why I loved it so much. It’s refreshing to see parents in a novel second-guess themselves and consider their choices. The characters acknowledge when they mess up, and they work to fix their mistakes. They apologize, they see their faults. It’s refreshing, honestly, to see main characters who feel so real and face such real, relevant problems.
4. But also, there’s a transgender child. What would you do if your son wanted to wear dresses every day? How would you confront a teacher who refuses to let your child have a purse as a lunchbox? Would you be able to uproot your life if it meant a better life for your child? How do you protect your child from the world while also encouraging them to be proud of who they are? I had never read a book with a transgender character, and these questions resonated with me throughout the entire reading of the book.
5. This book was necessary. I felt these characters and this writing in my soul. I really wanted to cheer for Poppy and for this family, and I was hurt when people were disparaging towards them. I loved Rosie and Penn, and the fact that Penn was a sentimental stay-at-home dad and Rosie was a data-loving doctor. This novel flipped gender roles on their head… or really just threw them out the window all together. It made me think of different perspectives and consider how I would feel in those situations, which is why I read fiction in the first place.
With lovable and realistic characters, this novel challenges the reader to face gender roles and gender identity head on, and it deeply questions what it means to be a parent.
“You can’t tell people what to be, I’m afraid,” said Rosie. “You can only love and support who they already are.”
“This is how it always is. You have to make these huge decision on behalf of your kid, this tiny human whose fate and future is entirely in your hands. Who trusts you to know what’s good and right and then to be able to make that happen. You never have enough information. You don’t get to see the future. And if you screw up – if with your incomplete contradictory information you make the wrong call – nothing less than your child’s entire future and happiness is at stake. It’s impossible. It’s heartbreaking. It’s maddening. But there’s no alternative.”
“Just because it’s made up, doesn’t mean it isn’t real,” said Penn. “Made up is the most powerful real there is.”
“How did you teach your small human that it’s what’s inside that counts when the truth was everyone was pretty preoccupied with what you put on over the outside too?”
“You have to help him see that if he’s disappearing from the world, that’s too high a price to pay for fitting in. He has to see how ‘You shouldn’t push even though you want to’ isn’t the same as ‘You shouldn’t wear a dress even though you want to.”
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